Meet America’s Divorce Coach Faydra Koenig
This is a special guest post from America’s Divorce Coach Faydra Koenig
As a divorce coach, I encounter clients all the time whose chief complaint is that they hate being alone, they are lonely or they can’t go anywhere because they don’t have anyone to go with. I cringe when I hear this lamentation because I can’t stand it when people fear being alone.
The fear of being alone is oftentimes what caused good men and women to settle into relationships that were less than they deserved in the first place. The fear of being alone is what kept them in bad relationships long after the love had died and the fear of being alone creates a vicious cycle for men and women to partner up again straight out of divorce.
One of the fundamental things I teach men and women through coaching is to learn to love to be alone. Being alone is loving yourself. Being alone causes you to make a choice- to experience the life you want, with or without company, or to sit at home and suffer because you are too afraid to be you unless attached and validated by someone else.
Being alone forces you to address your true self. There are three negative truths about the self that are revealed by being alone. Most people avoid them at all costs.
Truth #1. I don’t like myself and I need other people to distract me from this belief-
When we are alone, we are painfully aware of the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like. We don’t value our own opinions and we don’t know how to love ourselves, so we distract ourselves by only engaging with other people and clinging to their opinions and desires. This belief manifests by engaging in self destructive behaviors when left alone.
- Binge eating
- forced sleeping
- watching bad television
- falling into rage or depression when you can’t connect to others
- constant contact with social media
- refusal to get dressed or look presentable unless there is a ‘reason’
Truth #2. My value comes from other people wanting to engage with me-
Everyone loves an invitation to go fun places. Everyone desires to be engaged with others for one reason or another, but it is unhealthy to believe that your value is based on whether or not you have a full social calendar. Superficial relationships are not a substitute for the true love of yourself and the love of a few key people in life. Waiting for someone to include you in their activities keeps you from experiencing many wonderful things that could excite you about life.
Truth #3. I don’t have any sense of self and what I truly like. I don’t know myself at all-
Many people have spent so much time connected to other people that they simply don’t know themselves at all. Left to their own decisions, they are unable to choose what they want to do, where they want to go and just do nothing instead. They are so out of touch with themselves that they have no idea what is out there that might light their fire.
Being alone forces you to listen to the chatter in your head and to deal with the sensations that chatter causes. Initially, boredom or depression may set in, but given the chance to explore the opportunities, men and women can find that there is a whole world awaiting them in their solitude.
Being alone and having no one to account for or indulge other then ones self can be liberating and magical. Completely catering to the whims and desires of yourself can be the single best attention you have ever received. Busting through the stigma of being alone VS lonely is freeing.
There is joy in being alone. There are good times, good meals, great movies or experiences to be had. Traveling alone can create divine connections that might not have happened if you were focused on another companion. There is joy in having conversations with yourself as you take a road trip and ponder life’s big questions. There is joy in being alone and being able to live in spontaneity and self-centeredness.
The best thing about learning to be alone is the power it gives you over your life. When you literally can do anything by yourself you simply aren’t motivated by partnering up. When you learn to love any experience all on your own, you won’t settle for less than you want or deserve from someone else. Once you find the sweet spot of doing things on your own, you look for someone to compliment the experience and partner with. That is a place of personal power and a cause for joy.
About the Author:
Faydra Koenig, MA is a mental health professional, author, speaker, podcaster and certified life coach. She works with men and women to help them avoid the pitfalls of divorce and get the lives they deserve. You can find Faydra’s podcast, Coming Out Of The Fire, on iTunes. Find her on the web at www.americasdivorcecoach.us and look for her books on Amazon. She is a weekly newspaper columnist for her hometown news paper, the Red Bluff Daily News where she inspires her audience to make lasting changes in their lives.